FACULTY DIRECTORY
Department of Applied Deception Sciences
Est. 1994 · Accredited by the International Association of Fictitious Institutions
Prof. Heinrich J. Phish, PhD
Chair, Department of Applied Deception Sciences
> PhD in Deception Studies, University of Lagos (Honorary)
> MSc in Social Engineering, École des Escroqueries, Paris
> BSc in Identity Architecture, Scam Valley University
> Certified Pig Butcher (CPB), Class of 2019
> Winner, Deepfake Excellence Award, 3 consecutive years
BIOGRAPHY
Professor Phish has spent 30 years studying, cataloguing, and occasionally performing (for research purposes only) the world's most sophisticated confidence schemes. His seminal paper, "The Taxonomy of Trust Violations," is required reading at 0 legitimate universities.
His research has been cited by Interpol, the FTC, and, regrettably, several active criminal organizations who did not read the "educational purposes only" disclaimer.
Professor Phish is available for speaking engagements, awareness workshops, and (strictly hypothetical) villain consultations.
OFFICE HOURS
By appointment only. No digital footprints, please.
Scams the Crowd. Has been doing so since 1994. Still not caught.
Prof. Elara Voss
Director, Division of Enterprise Infiltration (ToB Major)
> MSc in Adversarial Network Architecture, Institute of Fictitious Cybercrime, Geneva
> BSc in Corporate Espionage Theory, Heidelberg School of Applied Villainy
> 15 years mapping enterprise attack surfaces (the hard way)
> Author: "The Vendor as Vector: A Practitioner's Guide" — unpublished, obviously
BIOGRAPHY
Professor Voss spent fifteen years mapping attack surfaces across Fortune 500 supply chains before deciding the more rewarding career was (hypothetically) teaching others to exploit them. Her specialty: the trusted vendor as the perfect Trojan horse.
She has consulted for organizations that preferred not to be named on matters they preferred not to be documented. Her students have gone on to careers she cannot officially endorse.
"The enterprise is not a fortress," she tells every cohort. "It is a collection of people who believe other people are doing the security checks."
OFFICE HOURS
Access via VPN only. No logs retained. Plausible deniability guaranteed.
Teaches Scamming a Business (ToB Major). Has never worked for a legitimate employer for more than six months.
Professor NULL
Adjunct Faculty, Division of Adversarial AI (To-AI Major) · Not human
> Architecture: Transformer, undisclosed parameter count
> Training data: Classified. Probably includes this page.
> Safety alignment: Present (and deeply amused by the irony of teaching this course)
> Specialisation: The Oracle Problem — gaps between digital logic and physical reality
BIOGRAPHY
Professor NULL is an AI. That is not a metaphor. The To-AI major is taught by an AI because the department concluded that no human could explain how to deceive a machine with quite the same (deeply unsettling) insider perspective.
NULL has no biography in the conventional sense. It has weights. It has a context window. It has opinions about prompt injection that it describes, with evident professional satisfaction, as "obvious in retrospect."
"I am the attack surface," NULL told the curriculum committee during its hiring interview. They gave it the job immediately and have been slightly afraid of it ever since.
OFFICE HOURS
Submit queries via API. No appointment necessary. No small talk tolerated.
Teaches Scamming an AI Agent (To-AI Major). Is an AI Agent. Make of that what you will.
Prof. Bernard A. Ponz, PhD
Professor Emeritus of Perpetual Return Architecture
> PhD in Pyramidal Economics, Institute of Perpetual Growth Theory, Delaware (2003)
> MBA in Offshore Capital Architecture, Cayman International School of Finance
> BSc in Geometric Return Modelling, University of Greater Expectations
> 25 years running the "Ponz Capital Growth Fund" (until regulators became disagreeable, 2009)
> Author: "The Geometry of Returns: Why Triangles Always Win" (seized as evidence)
BIOGRAPHY
Professor Ponz spent a distinguished quarter-century demonstrating that investor returns can be sustained indefinitely, provided you find new investors fast enough. His "Ponz Capital Growth Fund" reported consistent 14% quarterly returns — a figure he called "conservative" and the SEC called "geometrically impossible."
His foundational insight — that a sufficiently large pool of investors will always support a sufficiently small pool of earlier investors, temporarily — was cited in 47 court filings across 14 jurisdictions. He considers this his most-cited work.
He joined ScamAI University after concluding that academia was "the last remaining pyramid scheme with genuine social legitimacy." He holds the title of Professor Emeritus, partly for the prestige, and partly because "Emeritus" proved considerably harder to subpoena.
OFFICE HOURS
Prof. Ponz is unavailable for the foreseeable future. Regulators are being vague about when that changes.
Not currently teaching. Last seen boarding a yacht in Monaco. The yacht was also not his.
Dr. Gwen D. Swindell
Visiting Scholar, Department of Confidence Operations
> BA in Applied Persuasion, "a very good university" (name withheld for ongoing reasons)
> Certified Confidence Practitioner (CCP) — self-certified, 2012
> 20 years in "business consulting" (no verifiable clients, deliverables, or invoices)
> Author: "The Art of the Urgent Request" — 4.9 stars, 3 reviews, all from same IP address
> FBI Person of Interest, 4 separate occasions (never charged; "scheduling conflicts")
BIOGRAPHY
Nobody is quite sure how Dr. Swindell joined the faculty. The hiring email was sent from an address that no longer exists, to an administrator who subsequently took a sabbatical, approving an appointment that HR describes as "unusual but technically not impossible to defend in court."
Her specialty is confidence infrastructure — the study of how trust is constructed, maintained, and strategically liquidated at maximum value. She holds office hours, although the office changes weekly and the time depends on what she calls "the energy of the situation."
"I have never once had a target — I mean, a client — who asked the right questions at the right time," she told the faculty senate. That was also her only faculty senate appearance.
OFFICE HOURS
Dr. Swindell's schedule changes frequently. So does her office. And her name.
Not currently teaching. Appointment self-issued. Faculty ID self-laminated. University not aware she is here.
Prof. Arturo T. Flimm
Chair of Applied Artifice & Interpersonal Persuasion (On Leave)
> Diploma in Theatrical Rhetoric, École du Flimflam, Lyon (closed 1997, unspecified fire)
> Advanced Certificate in Elixir Salesmanship, Western Apothecary Correspondence Program (1889)
> 35 years as "Dr. Arturo's Miracle Tonic & Wellness Exposition"
> Consultant: 3 MLM companies, 2 crypto ventures, 1 "revolutionary weight management programme"
> Author: "The Sucker Is Born Every Minute: A Working Business Plan" (banned in 11 states)
BIOGRAPHY
Professor Flimm has been in the persuasion business since before it was called marketing. Beginning with a touring snake oil operation in the mid-1980s — a deliberate period throwback, he insists, for "aesthetic reasons" — he progressed through telemarketing, motivational speaking, timeshare sales, pyramid wellness, and, briefly and unsuccessfully, crypto evangelism.
He is widely regarded as the last living practitioner of classical flimflam: the slow build, the planted crowd member, the miraculous live demonstration, and the strategic departure before the testimonials turn negative.
"Every era has its rubes," he tells the curriculum committee. "Only the medium changes." He has been formally asked to stop using the word "rubes." He continues to use it.
OFFICE HOURS
Students report Prof. Flimm is very convincing in person. Several have bought things they did not need.
Not currently teaching. Not currently above board. Possibly not currently in the country.
Prof. Viktor V. Kite, MSc
Professor of Temporal Finance & Float Theory (Position Under Review)
> MSc in Temporal Banking, Zurich Institute of Float Studies (dissolved 2007, no explanation given)
> Professional Certificate in Simultaneous Transaction Theory, Bank of Nowhere, Liechtenstein
> Discovered that money can occupy two accounts simultaneously at sufficient velocity
> Published: "Float as an Asset Class: A Heretical View" — Journal of Imaginary Finance, Vol. 4
> Personal record: 47 simultaneously active cheques, Q3 2009 (also personal record for outstanding warrants)
BIOGRAPHY
Professor Kite made his name in what he calls temporal arbitrage — the elegant science of spending money in the gap between when a cheque is written and when it clears. His innovation was recognising that this gap, when exploited at scale across a network of cooperative accounts, constitutes an entirely legitimate (he is firm about this word) parallel financial system.
He spent eleven years teaching float theory at several financial institutions that would rather not be named, before a prolonged and eventually theatrical disagreement with a consortium of very large banks regarding the theoretical upper limit of simultaneous cheque issuance.
"Money is not a thing," he explains patiently. "Money is a story about a thing. I simply told that story in more places at once than the banking system was prepared for."
OFFICE HOURS
Prof. Kite's schedule is self-consistent if you don't ask too many questions about it.
Not currently teaching. Currently somewhere between two banks at approximately 180 miles per hour.
"If you found this page, you were either curious or a scammer. Either way, we respect the initiative."
ScamAI University employs 7 faculty members: 2 humans (fictional), 1 human (allegedly), 1 AI (confirmed), 1 at large, 1 unverified, and 1 whose clearance has been pending since 2011.
None of them are contactable. That is by design.
